The Big Book of Sherlock Holmes Stories Read online

  Also edited by Otto Penzler

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  A VINTAGE CRIME/BLACK LIZARD ORIGINAL, OCTOBER 2015

  Introduction and compilation copyright © 2015 by Otto Penzler

  All rights reserved. Published simultaneously in the United States in hardcover by Pantheon Books and in trade paperback by Vintage Books, divisions of Penguin Random House LLC, New York, and distributed in Canada by Random House of Canada, a division of Penguin Random House Ltd., Toronto.

  Vintage is a registered trademark and Vintage Crime/Black Lizard and colophon are trademarks of Penguin Random House LLC.

  This is a work of fiction. Names, characters, places, and incidents either are the product of the authors’ imaginations or are used fictitiously. Any resemblance to actual persons, living or dead, events, or locales is entirely coincidental.

  Owing to limitations of space, permissions to reprint previously published material appear on this page.

  The Library of Congress Cataloging-in-Publication Data

  The big book of Sherlock Holmes stories / edited and with an introduction by Otto Penzler.

  pages cm

  1. Holmes, Sherlock—Fiction. 2. Private investigators—England—Fiction. 3. Detective and mystery stories, English. 4. Detective and mystery stories, American. 5. Watson, John H. (Fictitious character)—Fiction. I. Penzler, Otto, editor.

  PR1309.D4B54 2015 823′.108351—dc23 2014047958

  Pantheon Hardcover ISBN 9781101870891

  Vintage Crime/Black Lizard Trade Paperback ISBN 9781101872611

  eBook ISBN 9781101872628

  Cover painting © Thomas Gianni

  Cover design: Joe Montgomery

  www.weeklylizard.com

  v4.1

  a

  CONTENTS

  To provide a little guidance through this massive tome, I’ve divided the stories into several categories but admit, immediately, that the effort is of questionable validity, as many of the stories fall into more than one subdivision. (A. A. Milne and P. G. Wodehouse, for example, will be found in the “Literary Writers” section, but since they wrote parodies, they could be found there just as easily.) It’s not unlike making lists of foods that are delicious and foods that are fattening: there will be overlap. The two most reasonable choices are to ignore the categorizations altogether or to suggest that you don’t take them very much to heart and just enjoy the stories.

  Cover

  Also edited by Otto Penzler

  Title Page

  Copyright

  Introduction by Otto Penzler

  Conan Doyle Tells the True Story of Sherlock Holmes’s End by Arthur Conan Doyle

  The Master

  It seems that no author could resist writing parodies of Holmes and Watson—not even their creator.

  THE FIELD BAZAAR Arthur Conan Doyle

  HOW WATSON LEARNED THE TRICK Arthur Conan Doyle

  Familiar as the Rose in Spring

  These are the most popular and frequently reprinted Sherlock Holmes stories of all time.

  THE UNIQUE “HAMLET” Vincent Starrett

  THE STOLEN CIGAR-CASE Bret Harte

  THE CASE OF THE MAN WHO WAS WANTED Arthur Whitaker

  THE ADVENTURE OF THE TWO COLLABORATORS James M. Barrie

  THE SLEUTHS O. Henry

  HOLMES AND THE DASHER A. B. Cox

  AN IRREDUCIBLE DETECTIVE STORY Stephen Leacock

  THE DOCTOR’S CASE Stephen King

  The Literature of Crime

  Compelled by either whim or serious affection, many literary lions have tried their hand at writing a Holmes adventure. Sometimes they produce a pure pastiche, echoing the tone of Conan Doyle, and sometimes the notion of a parody is irresistible.

  THE BROWN RECLUSE Davis Grubb

  THE DARKWATER HALL MYSTERY Kingsley Amis

  THE CASE OF THE GIFTED AMATEUR J. C. Masterman

  THE LATE SHERLOCK HOLMES James M. Barrie

  SHERLOCK HOLMES AND THE DROOD MYSTERY Edmund Pearson

  THE RAPE OF THE SHERLOCK A. A. Milne

  FROM A DETECTIVE’S NOTEBOOK P. G. Wodehouse

  THE RUBY OF KHITMANDU Hugh Kingsmill

  THE ADVENTURE OF THE REMARKABLE WORM August Derleth

  THE ENCHANTED GARDEN H. F. Heard

  A STUDY IN HANDWRITING Ring W. Lardner

  THE CASE OF DEATH AND HONEY Neil Gaiman

  MURDER TO MUSIC Anthony Burgess

  In the Beginning

  Holmes became such a towering literary presence within a few years of his first appearance that parodies were being published in newspapers and magazines at an alarming rate. Most of them were truly dreadful, no more than burlesques based on a single joke that often wasn’t very funny. Some of the earliest (all are from the nineteenth century), and best, are included here, in chronological order—as good a way as any to be presented.

  AN EVENING WITH SHERLOCK HOLMES James M. Barrie

  DETECTIVE STORIES GONE WRONG: THE ADVENTURES OF SHERLAW KOMBS Robert Barr

  SHERLOCK HOLMES VS. CONAN DOYLE Anonymous

  THE DUKE’S FEATHER R. C. Lehmann

  THE SIGN OF THE “400” Roy L. McCardell

  Holmesless

  Even when he’s not physically present, the personality and aura of Holmes cannot be ignored, filling the room with his spirit.

  CODEINE (7 PER CENT) Christopher Morley

  MRS. HUDSON’S CASE Laurie R. King

  THE FINAL PROBLEM Bliss Austin

  Not of This Place

  We associate Holmes with a certain place and time, mainly London “where it is always 1895,” as Vincent Starrett wrote so simply yet eloquently. However, Holmes appears in various guises, places, eras, and even spiritual levels in a wide range of stories. Also, while the essence of Holmes’s genius lies in his observations and deductions, all based on razor-sharp logic, there are things that may not be rationally explained.

  THE ADVENTURE OF THE BOGLE-WOLF Anthony Boucher

  THE MARTIAN CROWN JEWELS Poul Anderson

  SHERLOCK AMONG THE SPIRITS Anonymous

  THE CASE OF THE MISSING PATRIARCHS Logan Clendening

  THE DEVIL AND SHERLOCK HOLMES Loren D. Estleman

  Keeping the Memory Green

  The list of eminent men and women who have demonstrated great affection for “the best and wisest man whom [they] have ever known” (to quote Dr. Watson) is without limit. Although they enjoyed successful careers in other fields, they often kept Holmes by their sides, and those with sufficient talent provided evidence of that kinship by putting pen to paper.

  THE STRANGE CASE OF THE MEGATHERIUM THEFTS S. C. Roberts

  THE ADVENTURE OF THE NOBLE HUSBAND Peter Cannon

  A NIGHT WITH SHERLOCK HOLMES William O. Fuller

  THE ADVENTURE OF THE WOODEN BOX Leslie S. Klinger

  THE CASE OF THE UNSEEN HAND Donald Thomas

  THE ABANDONED BRIGANTINE Sam Benady

  THE ADVENTURE OF THE CURIOUS CANARY Barry Day

  THE ADVENTURE OF THE MURDERED ART EDITOR Frederic Dorr Steele

  THE DARLINGTON SUBSTITUTION SCANDAL David Stuart Davies

  THE PROBLEM OF THE PURPLE MACULAS James C. Iraldi

  You Think That’s Funny? />
  Writing a pastiche of a well-known detective, true in tone and with a puzzling mystery, is extremely difficult. Writing a parody is a good deal easier—as the focus can be on a single element of that figure rather than on a range of characteristics—but writing a genuinely funny one may be the most difficult literary feat of all. Sadly, as you will see, not every writer in this section was up to the challenge, but they are included here because several have historical significance. Thankfully, the worst of the parodies are mercifully short.

  THE ADVENTURE OF THE SECOND SWAG Robert Barr

  SHEER LUCK AGAIN Stanley Rubinstein

  A PRAGMATIC ENIGMA John Kendrick Bangs

  HERLOCK SHOMES AT IT AGAIN Anonymous

  THE REIGATE ROAD MURDER Anthony Armstrong

  THE SUCCORED BEAUTY William B. Kahn

  THE MARRIAGE OF SHERLOCK HOLMES Gregory Breitman

  THE RETURN OF SHERLOCK HOLMES E. F. Benson and Eustace H. Miles

  THE UNMASKING OF SHERLOCK HOLMES Arthur Chapman

  THE ADVENTURE OF THE DIAMOND NECKLACE George F. Forrest

  THE ADVENTURE OF THE ASCOT TIE Robert L. Fish

  Contemporary Victorians

  Many of today’s most successful mystery writers, most of whom have their own series detectives, have on occasion broken away from the work for which they have had their greatest success to write a new Sherlock Holmes adventure. The good news is that they achieved their goal with greater than expected excellence.

  A CASE OF MIS-IDENTITY Colin Dexter

  THE STARTLING EVENTS IN THE ELECTRIFIED CITY Thomas Perry

  THE CASE OF COLONEL WARBURTON’S MADNESS Lyndsay Faye

  THE INFERNAL MACHINE John Lutz

  THE SPECTER OF TULLYFANE ABBEY Peter Tremayne

  THE ADVENTURE OF THE AGITATED ACTRESS Daniel Stashower

  THE ADVENTURE OF THE DORSET STREET LODGER Michael Moorcock

  THE ADVENTURE OF THE VENOMOUS LIZARD Bill Crider

  THE CASE OF THE FRIESLAND OUTRAGE June Thomson

  THE STRANGE CASE OF THE TONGUE-TIED TENOR Carol Buggé

  THE HUMAN MYSTERY Tanith Lee

  HOSTAGE TO FORTUNE Anne Perry

  THE ADVENTURE OF THE MISSING COUNTESS Jon Koons

  THE ADVENTURE OF ZOLNAY, THE AERIALIST Rick Boyer

  THE ADVENTURE OF THE GIANT RAT OF SUMATRA John T. Lescroart

  The Footsteps of a Gigantic Author

  It is not only today’s mystery writers who have turned their creativity to producing Sherlock Holmes stories. Many of the classic writers of an earlier time have also taken the challenge of adding an adventure to the list of the great detective’s cases.

  DID SHERLOCK HOLMES MEET HERCULE…? Julian Symons

  A TRIFLING AFFAIR H. R. F. Keating

  RAFFLES: THE ENIGMA OF THE ADMIRAL’S HAT and RAFFLES ON THE TRAIL OF THE HOUND Barry Perowne

  THE ADVENTURE OF THE CIPHER IN THE SAND Edward D. Hoch

  THE SOUTH SEA SOUP CO. Kenneth Millar

  THE ADVENTURE OF THE CLOTHES-LINE Carolyn Wells

  SHERLOCK HOLMES AND THE MUFFIN Dorothy B. Hughes

  THE MAN FROM CAPETOWN Stuart M. Kaminsky

  BUT OUR HERO WAS NOT DEAD Manly Wade Wellman

  THE ADVENTURE OF THE MARKED MAN Stuart Palmer

  Permissions Acknowledgments

  INTRODUCTION

  OTTO PENZLER

  ABOUT A HUNDRED years ago, Sherlock Holmes was described as one of the three most famous people who ever lived, the other two being Jesus Christ and Houdini. There are some who claim that he is a fictional character, but this notion is, of course, absurd. Every schoolchild knows what he looks like, what he does for a living, and most know many of his peculiar characteristics.

  The tall, slender, hawk-nosed figure, with his deerstalker hat and Inverness cape, is instantly recognizable in every corner of the world. In addition to the superb stories describing his adventures written by his friend, roommate, and chronicler, Dr. John H. Watson (with the assistance of his literary agent, Sir Arthur Conan Doyle), Holmes has been impersonated on the stage, television, radio, and in countless motion pictures. More than twenty-five thousand books, stories, and articles have been written about him by famous authors, amateur writers, and scholars.

  This collection of Sherlock Holmes parodies and pastiches is the largest ever assembled. It contains serious pastiches by distinguished literary figures, equally good stories by less exalted Sherlockians, and some truly dreadful parodies included here for historical interest more than reading pleasure. They are, mercifully, brief.

  Inevitably, I have drawn on the work of others. The first and greatest anthology of its kind is The Misadventures of Sherlock Holmes (1944), edited by Ellery Queen, a brilliant, pioneering anthologist whose best collections—101 Years’ Entertainment: The Great Detective Stories 1841–1941 (1941); its sequel, To the Queen’s Taste (1946); The Female of the Species (1943); and others—are true cornerstones of detective fiction.

  Other scholars and aficionados who have unearthed material and whose books have provided access to rare and obscure material are Robert Adey, Richard Lancelyn Green, Charles Press, Marvin Kaye, and Mike Ashley.

  My deep affection for Holmes, now exceeding fifty years of reading, has resulted in the addition of stories to this massive tome that never before have been collected in a book devoted to the great detective. While I may not fully concur with Watson’s assessment that Holmes is “the best and wisest man whom I have ever known,” an accolade reserved for a very few dear friends, he has been a trusted and worthy companion for the greatest percentage of my life.

  Sherlock (he was nearly named Sherrinford) was born on January 6, 1854, on the farmstead of Mycroft (the name of his older brother) in the North Riding of Yorkshire. He solved his first case (eventually titled “The Gloria Scott”) while a twenty-year-old student at Oxford. Following graduation, he became the world’s first consulting detective—a vocation he followed for twenty-three years.

  In January 1881 he was looking for someone to share his new quarters at 221B Baker Street when a friend introduced him to Dr. John H. Watson. Before agreeing to share the apartment, the two men aired their respective shortcomings. Holmes confesses, “I get in the dumps at times, and don’t open my mouth for days on end.” He also smokes a vile shag tobacco and conducts experiments with loathsome-smelling chemicals. He fails, however, to mention an affection for cocaine. Although he ruefully notes his fondness for scratching away at the violin while in contemplation, he proves to be a virtuoso who can calm his roommate’s raw nerves with a melodious air. Watson’s admitted faults include the keeping of a bull pup, a strong objection to arguments because his nerves cannot stand them, a penchant for arising from bed “at all sorts of ungodly hours,” and an immense capacity for laziness. “I have another set of vices when I’m well,” he says, “but those are the principal ones at present.” They become friends, and Watson chronicles the deeds of his illustrious roommate, often to the displeasure of Holmes, who resents the melodramatic and sensational tales. He believes that the affairs, if told at all, should be put to the public as straightforward exercises in cold logic and deductive reasoning.

  Holmes possesses not only excellent deductive powers but also a giant intellect. Anatomy, chemistry, mathematics, British law, and sensational literature are but a few areas of his vast sphere of knowledge, although he is admittedly not well versed in such subjects as astronomy, philosophy, and politics. He has published several distinguished works on erudite subjects: Upon the Distinction between the Ashes of the Various Tobaccos; A Study of the Influence of a Trade upon the Form of the Hand; Upon the Polyphonic Motets of Lassus; A Study of the Chaldean Roots in the Ancient Cornish Language; and his magnum opus, Practical Handbook of Bee Culture, with Some Observations upon the Segregation of the Queen. His four-volume The Whole Art of Detection has not yet been published. When he needs information that his brain does not retain, he refers to a small, carefully selected library of reference works and a series of
commonplace books. Since Holmes cares only about facts that aid his work, he ignores whatever he considers superfluous. He explains his theory of education thus:

  I consider that a man’s brain originally is like an empty attic, and you have to stock it with such furniture as you choose. A fool takes in all the lumber of every sort that he comes across, so that the knowledge which might be useful to him gets crowded out, or at best is jumbled up with a lot of other things, so that he has a difficulty in laying his hands upon it….It is a mistake to think that that little room has elastic walls and can distend to any extent. Depend upon it there comes a time for every addition of knowledge you forget something you knew before.

  An athletic body complements Holmes’s outstanding intelligence. He seems even taller than his six feet because he is extremely thin. His narrow, hooked nose and sharp, piercing eyes give him a hawklike appearance. He often astonishes Watson with displays of strength and agility; he is a superb boxer, fencer, and singlestick player. He needs all his strength when he meets his nemesis, the ultimate archcriminal Professor James Moriarty, in a struggle at the edge of the Reichenbach Falls in Switzerland. The evenly matched adversaries, locked in battle, fall over the cliff; both were reported to be dead. All England mourned the passing of its great keeper of the law, but in 1894, after being missing for three years, Holmes returned. He had not been killed in the fall, after all, but had seen a good opportunity to fool his many enemies in the underworld. He had taken over the identity of a Danish explorer, Sigerson, and traveled to many parts of the world, including New Jersey, where he is believed to have had an affair with Irene Adler (who will always be the woman to Holmes), and to Tibet, where he learned the secret of long life from the Dalai Lama.

  When Miss Adler (the famous and beautiful opera singer Holmes first meets in “A Scandal in Bohemia”) died in 1903, Holmes retired to keep bees on the southern slopes of the Sussex Downs with his old housekeeper, Mrs. Martha Hudson. He came out of retirement briefly before World War I, but his life since then has been quiet.

  Holmes has outlived the people who have participated at various times in his adventures. In addition to Mycroft, Watson, Moriarty, Irene Adler, and Mrs. Hudson, the best-known auxiliary personalities in the stories include Billy the Page Boy, who occasionally announces visitors to 221B; Mary Morstan, who becomes Mrs. Watson; The Baker Street Irregulars, street urchins led by Wiggins, who scramble after information for Holmes’s coins; Lestrade, an inept Scotland Yard inspector; Stanley Hopkins, a Scotland Yard man of greater ability; Gregson, the “smartest of the Scotland Yarders,” according to Holmes; and Colonel Sebastian Moran, “the second most dangerous man in London.”